Recent Updates and Diary | Togeppi

Current Status and Diary

daily 2023-12-27 22:24:09

Blog Visitor Graph

 The screenshot above is the visitor graph of my blog.

 When I first started my blog, I didn’t have any specific expectations..

 I used to write a little on Naver’s blog, and as I found it enjoyable, I thought maybe it would be nice to create my own blog.

 

 I didn’t have high hopes for the number of visitors, and it’s been two months since I stopped posting my diet journal. I don’t know why, but there are still some visitors coming in. What algorithm could it be?  

 Some people found me through Google searches, others through Facebook, and I’ve posted my blog address on Instagram, but what about Facebook? I wonder.

 Regarding my diet, I’ve been somewhat successful. I’ve maintained in the mid-80s but think it’s affecting my daily life, and I seem to have hit a plateau, which has led to a halt in progress. 

 

 It’s not crucial, but the things I’ve written earlier aren’t directly related to what I wanted to write; I just happened to be surprised that I had some visitors, and that’s just how I feel about it.

 I entered today without much thought, feeling like talking about how I’ve lived and wanting to record it. Maybe it’s because I have so many thoughts. I’ll be rambling a bit, so I hope you’ll understand.

 

My Life

 I was born in 1995, which means I’m 28 now in Korean age, and I’ll turn 29 when my birthday passes.

Before switching to the Korean age system, I was considered an early-born, meaning socially I’m already 30, and if we count by years, I’m 29; currently, I’m 28.

 

 It might feel nice to be younger, but being an early-born has its own struggles.

 For instance, in social settings, I’ve been scolded for making others feel uncomfortable by trying to act older, while if I mentioned my actual age, I’ve been criticized for trying to appear younger.

 I remember when I first entered university in 2013 and went to a drinking party, feeling terrible that my ID might prevent others from entering a bar. Was it Junko?

 I mostly felt apologetic about that. I always felt like I was causing trouble for those around me, and it just made me feel sorry all the time.

 

Moving When I Was Young

 During my childhood, my family wasn’t very well off, so we moved frequently.

 At the time, I had no economic understanding of real estate, so I didn’t understand why we were moving around so much, and it was tough every time we did. Especially in the 5th grade of elementary school—it was particularly hard then.

 I was always ridiculed as being chubby during elementary school, which led to some bullying. However, I don’t want to condemn or blame them now; I believe they were just kids back then.

 But the reason it was hard in the 5th grade was not just because I had my first crush but also because I had formed genuine friendships, and I didn’t want to lose that connection.

 I moved from Suji in Yongin to Giheung, where I live now, and I remember crying in the car while waiting for my parents at the real estate office, feeling sad just about the thought of moving.

 

New Friends

 After moving to my current location, I went to a new elementary school where the teacher called up the largest boy in class to shake hands with me, telling us to be friends.

 At that time, I felt a bit scared. Every time I moved, it was always like that; going to a new school, meeting new kids was unsettling, and having the scariest-looking kid coming up to shake hands was beyond my understanding back then.

 But now that I’m an adult, I can’t help but wonder. How can one possibly grasp the feelings of a new student without a clear answer?

 Listening to stories from students these days makes me realize how pronounced the generation gap has become.

 

 Anyway, my elementary school years passed without major issues, and just like any other student, I went to middle school and studied hard, when suddenly a turning point in my life arrived.

 

First Love

 When I was in the 3rd grade of middle school, I encountered my first love. Honestly, I don’t think the concept of first love matters much now, but I consider it a time when I realized how far I could go for someone I liked.

 At that time, I managed to lose 20kg during the summer vacation of about a month and a half because my crush said she would date me if I did. Although she seemed a bit reluctant, we ended up dating as promised.

 However, I had never been in a relationship before, and my head was filled with fantasies about love. I imagined going to movies together and holding hands, but what I got in return was, ‘Let’s keep it a secret from everyone.’

 Because I liked her, just getting to be with her made me happy, but my expectations didn’t match reality, and at some point, I broke up with her.

 Ironically, I was the one who initiated the breakup, but I ended up feeling very miserable afterward. It’s a funny situation where I broke up and then was sad.

 I spent the entire winter break feeling depressed. At that time, I didn’t think of it as depression, but looking back, I realize how hard it was for me.

 

High School Years

 Skipping over some details, I entered high school.

 Until then, I had studied reasonably well, so I managed to enter a school that was around the middle to upper-middle level.

 But that’s where the problems started. It feels a bit embarrassing to say it, but after losing weight, my appearance changed, and people were curious about me, leading to many friends trying to befriend me.

 Simultaneously, I started caring about how I dressed, and as I took an interest in it, I joined a model academy and even graduated. Of course, I’m not modeling now, but I worked hard there.

 If I had to pick the most immature period in my life, I would easily say it was between 17 and 20 years old. During that time, I was unable to adapt to the changes around me and was somewhat caught up in arrogance. Accordingly, I made many mistakes with friends.

 

Changes in High School

 In contrast to the efforts I had made to befriend people previously, it became way too easy to make friends in high school.

 As this happened repeatedly, I think I fell into self-absorption. I don’t mention this as a point of shame, but given that I still feel like this today, I plan to repay the goodwill I receive from others in some manner, though I believe I was quite arrogant back then.

 

 During high school, I had pretty much given up on my grades. I still remember taking the March mock exam in the first year and realizing my score shocked me.

 The average score for the March mock exam was around the 2nd grade, and I was invited to special classes for the top students at my school before the new school year started, which made my shock even greater.

 At the time, I had no idea what a 2nd grade score meant, and I grew up hearing about how well my younger sibling studied (who eventually entered KAIST) and how my dad never settled for anything less than first place (he went to Korea University). I often felt insecure about my ability.

 This led me to survive in a undefined competitive environment.

 Moreover, since I did not study often on grammar terms, I couldn’t answer questions like ‘What’s a noun?’ This made me realize that my previous study methods weren’t working in high school. I still remember the moment I received my March mock exam results, hearing my dad mention a percentage that placed me in the top 10% didn’t click at all back then.

 

 That was the beginning of my life as a high school student, and I outright stopped studying. At one point, my friend and I bet on who scored better on our exams—it was a pretty carefree time. My average scores in my first year of high school were around 7.9, while my second-year average was around 8.3. I don’t remember exactly, but something in that range. Nevertheless, it was somewhat fortunate that I was able to score around 3rd to 4th grade in the evaluation mock tests.

 

 Throughout high school, I didn’t have a clear dream.

 As a child, I was fascinated by things like the Atlantis spaceship and dreamed of becoming a robotic engineer.

 Then I discovered I had skills with my hands, so I wondered if I should pursue that talent and thought about becoming a dental technician.

 By the end of my second year in high school, I realized my love for airplanes, and after looking into it, I learned about becoming a pilot and started studying again. I ended up applying for the Aviation Operations department after taking the college entrance exam.

 In truth, my scores weren’t that great; I largely excelled in the interview process, which led me to college eventually.

 

College Life

 When I entered college, I met a diverse range of people from various age groups. This was likely due to the unique nature of my major as many had transitioned from different fields of study.

 I was a fast-born student who had not yet legally reached adulthood at the time of college admission, so I looked up to my older peers.

 I ended up becoming friends with them, and subconsciously, I adapted to their maturity.

 This led to me receiving many comments from friends my own age about appearing mature, and as I heard those words, I began to act more responsibly myself.

 

 As my college life progressed, I started flying in my second year (specifically towards the end of the second year and start of the third). Most of my peers chose to enlist in the military before flying.

 I chose to apply for the Air Force Pilot Scholarship and ended up acquiring my commercial pilot license, eventually serving in the police rather than as an officer.

 

Flight License and Military Service

 When I had acquired most of my licenses and reached my fourth year, my classmates had already completed their service and returned to college, often suggesting I trade my military service for my flight license.

 At 23 years old, I was in my fourth year of college, surrounded by many younger students, which made me feel older than I was. I spent a year on leave to acquire my pilot license and at 24, I realized I would be 26 by the time I finished the military. It felt like a waste to think about those two years.

 

 Acquiring my flight license was a difficult process. Some seniors faced delays in beginning their flight training due to school circumstances, which meant I started flying later than expected in my third year, and I only had a limited number of flights.

 Typically, we complete our multi-rating before the second semester of our fourth year, so it was tight on my schedule, leading me to take that year off.

 I eventually earned my commercial pilot license, and in preparation to join the military, I aimed to acquire the license before that time.

 I faced many setbacks while preparing for the written exams for the license, particularly in AIM, where I failed multiple times and once cried over the phone to my mom while in Gwangju.

 Somehow, I obtained my commercial pilot license and ended up enlisting in the military (as a police officer).

 

Experience in the Military

 I entered the training camp in Nonsan and received training at the Gyeonggi Southern Police Academy, eventually serving as a police officer.

 After my discharge, I faced a lot of anxiety about whether to return to college immediately. Most people around me advised me against it. They suggested that since aviation careers require consistent flight experience, it would be better for me to take a break instead.

 Taking their advice to heart, I decided to focus on improving my English skills during that time.

 I attended an English immersion program in Gangnam. I reached the advanced level, but as my progress began to slow down and the tuition became burdensome, I eventually dropped out.

 Afterward, I returned to college and obtained my multi-rating while graduating. At that time, my flight hours had only reached around 240 hours, while airlines require at least 250 hours for employment; major airlines (domestic) typically require 1,000 hours as a minimum.

 As a result, many people enter flight instructor courses to accumulate dual flight hours by teaching students.

 Unfortunately, due to COVID-19, the demand for commercial pilot positions became scarce. While I considered becoming an instructor, my flying knowledge had diminished during my military service, leading me to seek an alternative path.

 

Life’s Struggles

 The most significant issue I grappled with was realizing that, despite being a specialist, my plans were derailed due to unusual circumstances.

 One might argue that most professions experience similar situations, but back then, I felt trapped living each day waiting for flight schedules instead of feeling rewarded for my efforts.

 On the other hand, my struggles instilled a belief that I could succeed at anything. Rather than idly waiting at home, I intended to take action and sought part-time work.

 However, I soon discovered that my experience was not what I had envisioned. I thought that working with the mindset of learning would lead to growth, yet I found myself becoming lazy, falling into complacency.

 As time passed, I started helping at my dad’s company, expecting a change, but I ended up feeling the same way there.

 This led me to feel pathetic and miserable. In youth, everyone believes, ‘I will succeed,’ without understanding the hurdles. But as I approach thirty, I expected to achieve stability, marriage, and build a family. Instead, I still feel like a naive teenager, realizing how remarkable my parents are.

 

Feelings of Defeat

 While I understand that this entry may sound like a privileged complaint, I can’t shake the feeling of being a failure.

 Recently, I’ve experienced unexplained depression and financial concerns that led me to contemplate extreme thoughts. I recognize that these feelings are subjective.

 I have endured hard times and worked hard, and while many people focus solely on outcomes, I remember what my uncle and father said: “You didn’t fully pursue your flying dream until it really mattered, did you?”

 I somewhat agree with that perspective; I can’t argue since that mindset is widespread. While aviation is a special case, the restrictions are significant. One must be at the right age, flight hours need to be precise, and demand fluctuates heavily.

 People with accumulated experience often face challenges in securing a position due to an oversaturation of candidates seeking first officer roles. Sometimes I question why I didn’t become an instructor; other times, I ponder why my accumulated hours aren’t translating into job offers.

 It saddened me when I realized that people were quick to dismiss my feelings without experiencing my journey firsthand.

 

Is There a Right Answer in Life?

 These days, I feel there aren’t any fixed answers in life. Even if I make choices, I may still regret them; while if someone else dictates my path, would there be no regrets either?

 Perhaps it’s strange that I search for answers. Is it society that has instilled this quest within me?

 Once, my father shared how his father insisted he go to law school; looking back, he wishes he had pursued his own dreams instead of conforming to external expectations. My father turned out just fine, but I admire them for being so impressive.

 

Generational Change

 In my earlier years, I believed that as time progressed, I too needed to change with the times. However, lately, I’ve noticed I’m starting to feel trapped in my own way.

 I think there are reasons for this feeling. For example, the meaning of hard work has changed, and while it’s easy to say, executing it is anything but. Moreover, the persona that I have built up reflects my experiences, and it heavily influences those around me.

 Could this be the start of becoming an old-school thinker?

 

 Ultimately, I find myself thinking that I’ve become stagnant, lost in the comforts I had once thought were achievements. Living as a responsible adult in society now feels heavy and mentally exhausting.

 Despite the increasing weight of these thoughts, I’m aware that growth often comes from overcoming hardship.

 I have a tendency to want to hide my struggles from others, especially my family. They serve as my strongest support system, but I often feel I should reciprocate that support instead.

 The reason I’m writing this today is to express these unformed ideas and questions that have been swirling in my mind. What will become of my future? Can I genuinely say I’ve lived well so far? I like to think I have, yet I find it difficult to judge objectively.

 

 Everyone dreams of success, but that term applies specifically because success is something few achieve. I’m still far from that point, and perhaps my past experiences of flying and its related thoughts created imbalances.

 

Recent Thoughts

 This morning, I saw an article about actor Lee Sun-kyun’s tragic choice to end his life. Even though I don’t follow entertainment news much, I felt an inexplicable connection to the news, possibly because I’ve had similar thoughts recently.

 I realize now that I’m losing track of my discussion. This has turned into an unstructured rambling.

 I hope that one day when I read this again, I can see my growth and understand how far I’ve come.